- “First, understand why arguments occur. Arguments are caused by two people (or two countries) racing to occupy the victim’s position in the relationship. Person A claims the victim’s position (“Why are you doing this to me?”) and then tries to get person B to agree with that assessment. In other words, person B has to agree that he or she is the persecutor. Therein lies the problem. It’s almost impossible to get the other guy to agree that it’s his fault.” The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (Gay Hendricks) Page 85
- “PERSON A: Why are you making me so miserable? This problem is entirely your fault. PERSON B: Wow, thanks for pointing that out. I agree completely. It’s clear that I’m the perpetrator, you’re the victim, and your misery is entirely my fault. However, I have seen about five thousand variations on the following: PERSON A: Why are you making me so miserable? This problem is entirely your fault. PERSON B: I’m making you miserable? I’m the one who’s the victim here. It’s your fault, not mine. I’ve been putting up with your guff so long I ought to get some sort of martyrdom prize! PERSON A: That’s absurd. Let me tell you all the reasons I’m the real victim here. PERSON B: Great. Then when you get through, I’ll tell you how all of them are your fault, always have been, and always will be. Once the race for the victim position is underway, each person must find some way to out-victim the other. In other words, each person must present an escalating series of “proofs” that he or she is the real victim.” The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (Gay Hendricks) Page 85